On Sunday afternoon, I was laying on the floor staring at wires poking out of the ceiling. We had a ceiling fan up there but it was taken down to make the room look bigger. It does seem bigger but also slightly dangerous with the whole wire mess-mess. Anyway, a friend had stopped by the house and the subject of dating came up. Okay, so I brought it up. He says he never “goes out on dates” and it got me wondering about my own tactics.
The night before I had gone out with a guy I met on Wednesday. He was really nice. Nice. But I couldn’t really articulate the feeling I was having. Was it a passing discomfort (possibly from being on the floor?) or maybe just overall I felt a sense of ick consuming me.
Then I realized that I hate dating.
I will specify and clarify that I, A) I hate dating Unknowns. The person you met briefly at a bar or a coffee shop or grocery store. Total stranger. Very rarely has this ever resulted in success. Success being a second date and love and marriage and so on. And B) If you are anxiety-ridden, ambitious to a fault and moderately pessimistic (ahem.), you will only end up slightly hating yourself up for having the following conversation:
UNKNOWN: What do you like to do?
ME: Umm. I don’t know, everything.
UNKNOWN: Do you like what you do?
ME: Umm. I don’t know. Sometimes.
UNKNOWN: What do you want to do?
ME: Umm. I’m not sure.
UNKNOWN: What’s your favorite movie?
ME: Umm. The Babysitter’s Club?
UNKNOWN: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Oh shit.
Just so you know, this is not an actual transcript but a dramatic re-interpretation of my awkweird self on a date. Naturally, I didn’t answer like that but in my mind, yes – yes I did think those things.
(So now we’ve pointed out that I am not sure I like how my life is headed, I can’t extrapolate on why and have no idea how to change this AND I like shitty movies and music. None of this is actually true but usually people never ask so I do an internal read-through and realize my life is off the rails! Fauc.)
But wait, no wait: I am a good date! I’m full of insane shit to talk about. BUT. I do suck at answering impossibly simple questions about impossibly complicated things. I’m really not that complicated but simplicity boggles my mind. I strive for minimalism but I will never attain it because I have a magnetic force field that attracts only chaos, disorder and quirks – which I like. Usually.
I guess you sort of have to ask those type things in an Unknown Dating Situation (UDS). Which is why they should be avoided at all costs and leads me to my second or third realization (the other ones being that I hate dating Unknowns and that I have zero potential for simplicity):
The only guys I’ve ever really liked and fostered healthy adult relationships with I’ve known through mutual friends or through a commonality, like being in the same class together or going to see a particular band. No matter how open-minded and liberal I think I am, I end up with the same person every time. Yes they have disparate interests and look different, but personality-wise it’s dead on. It’s not a bad recipe, but it’s a rare one so I guess you could say I am “picky.” Of course, all of those relationships have since ended so maybe it’s a rotten methodology. Sigh.
This is sort of about guys, sort of about how I see myself career-wise and in a personal way. While I am already somewhat aware of my personal obstacles, thinking about where I am “going” as far as creativity, jobs or ambition are concerned is a little scary. How often do you ask yourself what you are doing and wondering whether or not it’s the right thing? I always thought I did a lot but it’s different to actually voice your concerns aloud to a near stranger. Hopefully you aren’t expecting me to have figured myself out in this post, because I would hate to let you down. If it makes you feel any better, I am actively working on it.
So to recap, I am completely hopeless and will die a wretched old maid surrounded by feral cats but hopefully not in my parent’s basement and almost certainly I will have this post to look back on when I wonder where it all went wrong. Great!
Posted on Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 2:29 pm. Filed under: blog Tags: Asheville, boys, career, confusing metaphors of life, dating, haters, probably embarrassing myself RSS 2.0 feed.
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